“Mother Is the Name for God on the Lips and Hearts of All Children.”

Sorry for giving this blog such a gothy title (I am a 90s baby, after all). But it was the first thing that popped into my head when I started thinking about writing today.

It's actually not an original Eric Draven quote (you know, from The Crow?). It's William Makepeace Thackeray (also sort of gothy, now that I've looked him up). But you get the idea. Mothers are #important.

Mothers are also not always good. And this can be the worst thing a person has to confront in their lives. We are not all blessed with good mothers.

What has me thinking about such a heavy topic? It's Mother's Day this weekend (always a hard one for me), and I just finished Tara Westover's Educated.

Oh little girl on that mountain, I see you. I know you.  

It was by turns horrifying, infuriating, confusing, and brilliant. There was love that rang through even the darkest parts. And this is how life with bad parents, is. Usually.

There are many terrible mothers in books, both fiction and non-. Just a few:

• Mary in Push 
• “Mummy” in Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine
• Just about any mother in any book by Elizabeth Strout, TBH (“You will have only one story.... You’ll write your one story many ways. Don’t ever worry about story. You have only one.” )
• Rose Mary in The Glass Castle
• Augusten Burroughs' mom in Running with Scissors
• And of course, the mother of all “bad mom” books (pardon the pun), Mommie Dearest.

These mothers do things that to people with good mothers can seem impossible. But they aren't. Do these women have reasons? Sure they do. Everyone has reasons. “We all have it coming, kid.”

Mothers are sacrosanct. It is hard to say when one is not good. Bad mothers, for those of us who have them, are very hard to talk about. I have gotten very good over time at avoiding the subject in polite conversation altogether, after years of mumbling something awkward about how my stepmom is my real mom and just praying people will move on.

Those of us who have bad mothers and have had to make choices about that, are faced with an incredible amount of judgment, both internal and external. There's even a Commandment about this sort of thing (the Fourth, if you're Catholic, like me). Just remember that there are more ways than one to “honor” something. Sometimes, staying quiet about it can suffice. 

I typically avoid all social media on this particular weekend. For those of us whose mothers are not good, this weekend can be very painful. It can even trigger PTSD symptoms. As the years go by, it gets only nominally easier. Mothers are #important. Bad mothers are beyond that.

At any rate, I could never do justice to such a thorny and labyrinthine topic in my little old book blog. And there is an entire canon on it already. Just take two things from this: One, spare a thought this weekend between the peonies and mimosas, macaroni necklaces and Hallmark cards, for those of us in the world who were not blessed with good mothers; and two, read Educated. It's a very #important book.